


Spiders

by Marissalovestasm, StarlitSnowflakes



Category: The Amazing Spider-Man (Movies - Webb), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: ALL THE CRACK, Age of Ultron (Kinda), Avengers - Freeform, Crack, F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Sherlock - Freeform, Spider Man - Freeform, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series - Freeform, Supernatural (ish), seriously, so much crack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-19
Updated: 2015-09-05
Packaged: 2018-03-31 05:36:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3966373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marissalovestasm/pseuds/Marissalovestasm, https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarlitSnowflakes/pseuds/StarlitSnowflakes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So basically we are writing this in our spare time. We had the idea for a Peter Parker/Natasha Romanoff ship, (because, hello, SPIDERS) and decided to make it a thing. This was originally kinda serious, but the further we go on, the more it turns into pure crack. Basically, Peter and Tasha used to have a thing, and then he joins the Avengers team. What could possibly go wrong? Some of the extra tags (Sherlock, Supernatural, etc.) are because we're (read: I am, and she's tolerating it) trying to add as many references to other stuff as we can. Some ships won't appear until later on in the story. Some of this might be out of character. We refuse to apologize for this. Read at your own risk.</p><p>Side effects may include: uncontrollable laughter, constant eye-rolling, and the wondering of just what the hell the authors were thinking.  </p><p>Enjoy.</p><p>Oh, and note: the underage tag is only because Peter was 17 when he *met* Natasha. More tags will likely be added as we go along.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“It was a one-time thing, Clint! I told you, I haven’t even seen the kid since!”

            “Oh, good, ‘the kid’, so he was a kid, too?”

            “It’s not like….oh for God’s sake! You’re being completely childish!”

            The archer mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like ‘better than _doing_ a child…’ Before Natasha could formulate a response, Director Fury came in.

            “Sorry to interrupt your little _domestic_ , but the council is on the line. Say they’ve got important news to discuss. News concerning The Avenger Initiative. I can’t find the others. God only knows what they’re up to…” 

            An hour later, all the Avengers had been rounded up, and were in the council room awaiting the director. Tasha had found Bruce and Tony in their lab, talking “science bro” stuff. Namely, they were arguing over whether or not their latest experiment, a new arm for Bucky, would blow up when he tried it for the first time. Thor was in the kitchen eating Pop-Tarts, and Steve was in the gym working out. And Loki…Loki was in the kitchen, screaming at the toaster and demanding it to release his breakfast.

            The call from the council came in before Director Fury arrived. Councilman Pierce was on the line.

            “Greetings all; let’s get right to business. Now, I’m sure you’ve all heard of New York’s latest hero, the masked vigilante: Spider Man. A while back, he defeated Dr. Curt Conners when he…went rogue. Recently, he saved the city from Max Dillon, aka Electro. I’ve spoken with the other council members, and they agree with my decision. Therefore, Spider Man will, from this point on, be an official member of The Avenger Initiative, your super team.”

            At that moment, Director Fury walked in. With him was a kid, about 19 years old. He had brown doe eyes, and the messy hair to match. He was wearing square, black rimmed glasses that sat firmly on his nose. His shirt was black, along with his jeans and jacket. Though his eyes wandered around the room, he never met anyone’s gaze. He was clearly shy.

            “Everyone, this is Peter Parker, but you all know him better as Spider Man.” Peter gave a small wave. Director Fury had already left to do whatever it is he does.

            “Him? This… _kid…_ is the one who saved New York?” Tony was just upset that Parker stole his spotlight.

            “Yeah. And this _kid_ is standing right here and can hear every word you say.”

            “Yeah, okay. He’ll do. Welcome aboard, kid.”

            “Spider? A spider? He should have picked a nobler symbol, like the mighty hammer!” Thor exclaimed. “No offense, Lady Natasha.” Lady Natasha, however, said nothing. She had been dumbfounded as soon as the kid walked into the room. She could only hope that Clint wouldn’t notice that…

            “Holy shit, Nat! It’s the kid!”

            “What kid? Doesn’t look like a kid to me.”

            “Don’t pull that shit. You know what I mean. The kid. _The_ kid. The one you promised you would never see again…”

            Peter walked casually over to Clint.

           “You’re Clint Barton, right? _The_ Clint Barton? Huh. Thought you’d be taller.” He winked at Natasha, who blushed in response, her usual bravado gone. “Long time no see, Romanoff.”

           "Wait. You know the kid?” Of course Tony had something to say.

           “No. I know _of_ the kid.”

           “That’s not what you told me, Nat…From what I heard, you got to know each other pretty…biblically.”

           “Shut UP, Clint.”

           “I’m just gonna go….. so I’ll see you guys later…” Peter said awkwardly before he left to make some adjustments to his suit.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

            For a time, they managed to pass without incident. That is, Natasha actively avoided Peter and smacked Clint every time he mentioned the teenager. Said teenager was quickly adjusting to his new role as one of the Avengers. Usually, he could be found working in the lab with Bruce and Tony, occasionally training with Steve or even Thor and Bucky. Loki, not surprisingly, did not like him. But that was okay. The super team had quickly become a second family for Peter, and helped him to get over Gwen’s death. They all could have continued on indefinitely like this, had Tony not (in a drunken stupor at Avenger’s Tower one evening) decided that everyone needed to play Seven Minutes in Heaven. This went about as well as one would imagine. Pepper had to explain the rules to Thor, after the demi-god noisily wondered how one could “reach Valhalla without dying, and only wish to stay for seven minutes.”

            “Thor you imbecile, it’s a mortal party game. Commonly played while drunk.” Loki rolled his eyes.

            “Woah! Hold on hold on HOLD UP.” Tony drunkenly interjected. “Everyone has to pick an item to represent them.”

            “Very well. I choose my mighty hammer Mjolnir!”

            “Thor, sweetie, someone else has to be able to _lift_ your item.”

            “Oh. In that case, I shall choose my beloved Pop-Tarts. Though if anyone tries to steal them, they shall face my might and justice a thousand times over!” Lightning cracked outside.

            “Trust me, Thor. Nearly everyone here would rather face a thousand years in Hel than eat those disgusting things.”

            A faint “I like Pop-Tarts” was heard from the back of the room.

            “Course you do, kid. You’re nineteen. Kids that age’ll eat anything.”

            It took a while, but eventually items were gathered for everyone. They were placed into a sack leftover from one of Tony’s experiments. Clint went first. Reaching into the brown bag, he pulled out a glow stick.

            “The hell is this?” The archer asked. Tony was too busy laughing hysterically to answer right away. Gasping for breath, he managed to stutter out a faint “Glow stick of destiny. Get it? Have fun with Reindeer Games, Legolas.”

            Loki’s face was murderous. He, not surprisingly, tried to storm off and refuse to play, until Thor picked him up like a sack of potatoes and dumped him into the closet. Tony shoved Clint in and shut it. Mjolnir found its way in front of the door, so that it couldn’t be opened.

             Inside, Clint was trying to ease some of the tension. He broke the glow stick, and it emitted a faint light.

            “So…come here often?” Silence.

            “Asgardians have no business with petty mortal closets.”

            “Right.”

            “I just want to get the fuck out of here.”

            “5 MINUTES!” Natasha yells.

            “Well we only have a couple minutes left, so… I’m sure you’ll live.”

            “The bromance begins.” Peter hollers in a sing-song voice.

            “What’s a bromance?” Steve asks Thor.

            “Do not look to me, Brother Rogers. I am as unfamiliar with this romance of bro as you are.”

            Finally, the time was up, and Thor moved Mjolnir. When Tony opened the door, he was truly flabbergasted by what he saw. Loki had Clint pinned to the wall, and it looked the he was trying to climb the dark God. Steve blushed 50 shades of red, white, and blue[SB1] . Tony wolf whistled and the others looked away awkwardly, except for Peter, who didn’t really know what to think. He broke the uncomfortable silence.

            “So, uh…I guess I’ll go next…” Though it was more of a question.

            “Hold up, kid. Are you even _legal_?”

            “I’m nineteen. Shut up. I look better than you naked anyway.”

            Now it was the Black Widow’s turn to blush. Tony held the bag out to Peter. The teen gave off a very manly scream when he pulled out a live spider, which bit him before scurrying away. It had been painted black with a red hourglass, curtesy of Tony. (Who else?) It was a harmless variety, not that there was much harm it could do to _Spider Man,_ of all people…

            “If someone else is going to go, don’t you think we should get those two” Bucky gestured to Clint and Loki, who were still oblivious to the world around them “out first?”

            “Probably…Thor?” The light-haired god approached, tapping his brother on the shoulder.

            “Loki…?”

            “PISS OFF THOR. CHRIST. CAN’T WE GET A LITTLE PRIVACY?” Clint jumped three feet in the air when he heard the voice.

            “We need the closet, Legolas!” Tony called.

            “Find a different one!” Loki slammed the door and sealed it with magic.

            “O-kay. Upstairs, then?”

            “Or” Nat offered “we could just give up on the game. That’s always an option.”

            “What’s wrong, Romanoff? Don’t wanna go into the closet with me?” Peter smirked in reply.

            “Can you even _spell_ closet? Or have they not covered that in Kindergarten, yet?” It was an admittedly low blow. The kid didn’t even hesitate.

            “C-L-O-S-E-T” Peter answers “as in what we’ll be in together in about 1 minute.”

            “In your dreams.”

            “Would you two stop arguing and go in already????”

            “No blood, please.” Steve added.

            As Bucky urged the not-so-happy couple into the small space, Tony turned and whispered to Thor.

            “I ship it.”

            “OTP five-ever.” Clint added as he reentered the room. His hair was disheveled, and the god accompanying him didn’t look much better.


	3. Chapter 3

           “Well. Stuck here for seven minutes. Might as well make the best of it.” Peter leaned in to kiss the Russian, and was promptly rewarded with a fist to the face. The sound of bone cracking was obvious.

            “Hey! You promised no blood!”

            “There isn’t any” Nat yelled back “I was careful about where I hit him!”

            “Yeah. By the way…THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?! YOU DIDN’T SEEM TO HAVE A PROBLEM KISSING ME IN BUDAPEST!”

            “You know I remember Budapest quite differently.”

            “I FUCKING KNEW IT!” Clint yelled.

            “Go back to your farm, Clint!”

            “Bitch!”  
            “Jerk!”

            “Oh, how sweet. And here I thought you were just some hick who only had sex with farm animals…”

            “MOO.”

            “Right, so, I’m just gonna walk away.” Tony said, while backing out of the room. Steve, Thor, Bucky, and Loki were right there with him. Poor Peter was left with the two arguing assassins.

            “Go milk your cows, Barton.” Peter told him

            “Let’s hope it’s cows.” Nat added.

            A disgruntled archer could be heard stalking away.

           “So…alone again, huh? REALLY alone this time.” Nat didn’t respond, just opened the door and walked out. When she wasn’t followed, she turned back around.

           "You coming?”

           “Huh?” She gave him a cheeky grin.

           “Out of the closet, are you coming or not…?”

           “Oh ha-ha. For your information, I happen to like the closet.”

           “Get out, loser, we’re going making out.” Not having to be told twice, Peter followed her like an eager puppy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one's kinda short.


	4. Chapter 4

            The next morning, a call came in from S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters. Jane and Pepper had been kidnapped. Well. They were missing. Kidnapping was assumed.[SB1]  Tony was in a panic, and the Avengers were all suited up and ready to head out on a rescue mission. Well, almost all of them. Natasha and Peter were nowhere to be found. Naturally, they sent Clint to look for them. He found them, of course, in the last place he looked. Tasha’s room. Or, more specifically, Tasha’s bed, wrapped around each other like two octopi, frantically trying to get each other’s crabs.

            “Oh, would you look at that. The amazing octopus, and his lovely sidekick, black squid.” As the archer had mumbled to himself, they hadn’t noticed his presence. Their…cuddling…moved on to other levels. “OH FOR GOD’S SAKE NOT THIS SHIT AGAIN.” They heard Clint that time, and jumped apart. “Right. So, if you two are done, we sorta kinda have a mission. Cap says to suit up[SB2] .”

            Peter decided this would be the perfect opportunity to debut the new suit he’d been working on. He had designed it to take less time to put on and take off. There was now a newly improved zipper. Easy access. ( ;) ) Now, on a more serious note, it also allowed more flexibility ;) and movement. The red and blue were now much more vibrant, and the spider had epic fangs and unique legs. The fabric was also designed to have better grip so that it was easier to stick to buildings, and better insulation so that he would neither overheat nor freeze to death.

            Getting off topic. Anyway. After Peter showed off his new suit, he felt that everyone was really very impressed. In reality, they were all laughing behind his back. Except for Natasha, who is far more mature than the others. They were all loading up onto the Quinjet, when Thor came flying out of nowhere.

            “I used the signal brother Barton gave me, and tried to track Lady Pepper’s mobile communication device. The trail went dead about five miles out to sea, but I did seem to catch sight of something odd.”

            “What was it?”

            “It appeared to be people, humans, but these were different. One moved faster than the eye could follow, the other seemed to have a strange aura about her. She seemed to glow red.”

            They sat in the Quinjet, Tony using his GPS to search for the ‘lady with the aura’ and ‘sonic’. The others sat on opposite sides facing each other, all in an awkward silence. After an hour of awkwardness, they finally managed to track Pepper’s communication device to the Mediterranean Sea, where they found a giant fancy looking yacht. As they got closer, Tony noticed the familiar symbol along the starboard side of the yacht. The familiar symbol was Stark.

            “Oh no. Pepper you did not just take out my baby!” Tony quietly whispered to himself, but because of the awkward silence, it sounded like he was accusing her of murdering his child. Which, she probably was.

            “Tony. Calm down. We’ll go down there and tell them to hurry up their vacation. No harm done.” Steve adds before Tony blows something up.

            “Well. After we eat Pop Tarts, of course.”

            “And smoothies. Duh. Can’t we have a vacation too?” Peter adds to Thor’s earlier comment.

            “Fine. We land, talk, make sure they get home, and leave. Whatever. But if she so much as scratches her I swear to Thor.”

            “What? You swear to me, mortal? You’re right. Good choice.” Thor smiles and swings Mjolnir experimentally. They descended from the sky and hovered the Quinjet over the Yacht. The boys and Natasha then climbed down the rope ladder and landed on the yacht.

            “Pepper! Pepper come here right now! If you’ve so much as scratched my baby; well, I’ve sworn to Thor so you might want to start praying to Loki if you have.”

            “Don’t bring me into this. Mortal quarrels are not my division.”

            “Hmm. Looks like the Princess Andromeda.” Peter comments.

            “I modeled it after the Princess Andromeda. Nice of you to recognize that. Finally, someone who enjoys fine literature.” Tony replied, slightly impressed. (Not that he would ever admit that)

            “I fail to see how the ship resembles a princess…” Thor said.

            “Just drop it, Thor.” Nat put in.

            They found the missing girls on said ship, as predicted. Only, they were really really comfortable, lounging on chairs in the sunshine. And they were not alone. With them were the people Thor saw. They were, in fact, brother and sister: twins, actually. Pepper, Jane, even Darcy and the twins were all wearing swimsuits, and they glared daggers at the superheroes who had interrupted their relaxation time. Most of the Avengers were confused, Tony was utterly distraught, and Natasha was glaring daggers so hard her gaze could have burned a hole in Cap’s shield.

            “You guys took a vacation, and DIDN’T THINK TO INVITE ME?”

            “Chillax, Nat. Have a mojito.” Darcy held up her drink in salute.

            “The hell is a mojito?” Cap asks. Everybody there (even the twins) yell out at the same time.

            “LANGUAGE!”

            “You kiss your mother with that mouth?” Where did Fury come from? Anyway.

            “Ooooh, hey. Who’s the kid? He’s cute.” That just pissed Nat off even more.

            “Darcy!” Jane yelled. “You have a boyfriend. Remember? Ian, the intern?”

            “Yeah. I have a boyfriend, but I’m not dead. I can still browse the menu and enjoy myself.” Pepper rolled her eyes.

            “Oooooh. Someone’s hitting on your jailbait, Nat. Better watch yourself, Darcy, or you’ll get thrown overboard.”

            “CLINT!!!”

            “He’s taken? Way to go kid.”

            “Piss. Off. Lewis.”

            “Ooooh, someone’s a cranky spider. Gonna bite me, Romanoff?”

            They had to have Thor AND Loki physically restrain Natasha when Peter winked at Darcy. When Darcy winked back, Natasha bit Thor and he dropped her with a yell. Loki let go because he was laughing so hard at his brother.

            The Black Widow had been set free.

            “Hey, Darce, you might wanna consider running, now.” Peter said.

            “As might you, young Parker…” Thor added, while nursing his wound. Nat had managed to take a chunk of flesh out of his arm, and it was bleeding profusely.

            The assassin approached, slowly, like a lion stalking its prey.

            “Right. Uh. Where are we supposed to go? We’re on a freaking yacht!”

            There was silence for a moment.

            “HEIMDALL. OPEN THE BIFROST.”

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gods. We are so sorry this took so long. We are terrible people.

There was a weird light. Suddenly, Darcy and Peter were standing on a bridge, water rushing below. And they were not alone. The Bifrost had picked up Thor, Loki, and Clint, as well.

“Welcome to Asgard.” A deep voice  boomed from behind, and they turned around. Yup. You guessed it. Benedict Cumberbatch was waiting for them. Kidding. No but seriously, it was just Heimdall. “May I suggest that you wait a while before returning to Earth. Miss Romanoff is, frankly, livid, to the point of being homicidal.”

“How homicidal are we talking? Like, on a scale of one to Loki.” Peter asked.

“Excuse you, mortal.” Loki interrupted. “I practice genocide, not homicide. Go big or go home.”

Peter shares a glance with Thor.

“That was kinda my point.”

“So, your point for infuriating Lady Natasha was what, exactly?”

“Um. Hormones, I guess? I don’t know? I don’t suppose you have good advice on women. You never seemed much of a magnet.”

“You’re right kid. He’s only a magnet to his hammer.” Loki put in.

“Shots fireeeeeee.” Darcy commented and let out a low whistle.

“Actually, I have an idea, wall crawler. I know Darcy has a little thing with, I don’t know, a certain intern? So, my proposal is this. You act like a couple, make Nat jealous for Peter, and The Intern jealous for Darcy. It’s a win-win for everyone.” Clint chimed in while fidgeting with his quiver.

“I’m in!” Darcy practically was jumping up and down.

“Um..sure…why not?” Peter said reluctantly and eyed Darcy.

“Actually, I can think of several reasons…”

“MIND YOUR OWN LOKI-DAMNED BUSINESS, THOR. THIS DOESN’T CONCERN YOU.”

“Very well, then. I’ll just have Heimdall send you back to Earth.” Poor Heimdall was just standing there awkwardly while they all argued.

 

⃰⃰⃰⃰⃰⃰⃰⃰⃰⃰⃰  Meanwhile, back on Earth

 

“Why those evil fucking…”

“Woah. Nat, calm down.”

“No, Jane, I will not calm down. Those douchebags ran away from their problems, all the way to fucking ASGARD!”

“Natasha, please calm down. The Big Guy is trying very hard to make an appearance.”

“That’s fine, just call Betty. You’re her job, not mine.”

“I have some tips to help you manage that anger…”

“NOT NOW, TONY!”

Tony began laughing hysterically as his phone went off.

“Some idiot is trying to hack J.A.R.V.I.S.”

“THAT’S IT!” Natasha exclaimed. “WE’LL HACK THE BIFROST!”

“Wait. What? _Hack_ the Bifrost? Is that even possible?”

 

Back on Asgard, Heimdall raised a single eyebrow.

 

**Author's Note:**

> This was purely for fun. I only posted it out of curiosity to see how well it would do. Thanks for reading; we hope you got a laugh, as we've gotten in trouble a lot for laughing during class as we were writing it.


End file.
